Details in the Fabric
by ekc293
Summary: "I'm so sorry. For everything. The things I said to you were awful, and if I could take them all back I would. I am sorry for hurting you because you don't do that to the people you… care about." Implied Caskett. Rated T for some strong language.
1. Kate

Hey there! This is my first attempt at fanfiction ever, so I'm interested in hearing what you guys think about it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, I have never owned Castle, and I never will own Castle. Nor do I own Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz, which served as inspiration for this.

* * *

Two months. He had been gone for two months. Two months since the last time he was at the precinct. Two months since the argument. How could he possibly say she wasn't doing her job right? He told her she needed to take a break, that she needed to slow down or she was going to work herself to death. She called him a bastard; she said what he thought didn't matter because this wasn't his job. He was just here for "book research." He didn't actually care about her or her victims. They didn't try to call. They were both too angry and hurt for that.

It would be an understatement to say that Kate Beckett had been on edge since he left. It had become evident in all aspects of her life. She was quicker and sharper in snapping at Ryan and Esposito, she had avoided talking to Lanie, and her interrogations had become so ruthless and harsh that she was managing to get confessions out of even the most heartless criminals in minutes.

Her relationship with Josh had also ended since he left. About a week before, Josh had gotten another overseas mission, this time in Japan. He wasn't sure how long he would be gone. It could be anywhere from 2 to 8 months. Kate, finally being honest with herself, told Josh that while she completely respected his commitment to his job, she couldn't deal with that kind of uncertainty. He in turn, told her that he couldn't deal with the uncertainty of her life as a detective, and having to wonder if she was going to come home at night. Getting angry, he asked her if it had anything to do with Castle. She told him to go to hell. Josh left quickly after that, not looking back once.

Kate was completely aware that she was not acting like herself. She could try to deny it all she wanted, but she knew. And just like everyone else, she knew why. She missed Castle. She missed his jokes; his coffee; his eyes. She missed completing each other's sentences and their banter. She missed him; and in all honesty, she was confused (& a little concerned) as to why she was missing Castle so much more than she was missing Josh.

But before she had time to sort out what those feelings meant, she was thrown headlong into another case. After all, murderers aren't going to stop killing people just because your personal life is a disaster, are they?

* * *

It was one of _those_ cases. Being a homicide detective is never easy, but sometimes there are those cases that just break you. Cases that make you just want to curl up in a ball and cry about how cruel and unfair life can be. Cases that hurl you straight into the proverbial heart of darkness and you wonder if there is even any point in trying to work your way out of it. The breaking cases are different for each detective and sometimes you don't even know why they broke you.

Murders involving a child are usually atypically difficult. Murders involving multiple children are almost sure to break someone. But this case was different, because this case didn't break one detective. If that was the case, the NYPD detectives would've worked through it. No, this case broke every detective in the 12th precinct.

* * *

After a week of hell with dealing with the case, Kate and her team had finally put the killer behind bars, for which everyone was exceptionally grateful. Montgomery, who had dealt with his own amount of grief during the past week, had given Ryan, Esposito, and Beckett the next few days off in order to recuperate. While his detectives had tried to hide it (and Roy, knowing their need to be strong, would never say anything about it to them), he had seen Esposito break his coffee mug by slamming in down on the table after they hit another dead end (he later claimed he dropped it). He had seen Ryan asleep at his desk at one in the morning and didn't have the heart to wake him because he had been working for 36 straight hours on only coffee and 5 Hour Energies. And Roy had even seen the great Kate Beckett sitting in Castle's designated chair by her desk when she thought no one was around, staring at the children's faces on her murder board with tear-stained cheeks.

At the end of this type of case, it pays to have someone to go home to. Ryan had called Jenny as soon as the case had officially been closed and made plans to get away for the weekend. Before, after cases like these, Beckett and Esposito used to go out for drinks because they usually had a good idea of how the other was feeling. Occasionally they'd invite Lanie, because heaven only knows how being surrounded by death and corpses effects you. But now, Esposito and Lanie had each other. They offered to go out for drinks together, but Kate knew that they really just needed each other and didn't have any intention of being the third wheel, so she politely declined and told them she was just going to head home to take a nice, long, bath. Besides, they both knew they neither of them were the people she wanted to be with right now.

While Kate had been grateful that Rick had not had to go through what any of the detectives at the twelfth had gone through, she still wished he would've been there. He always had the ability to make Kate look on the bright side of things. Castle was a constant reminder to Beckett that she was doing the right thing, and she was doing it for the right reasons. Perhaps is was selfish to want him there with her, especially after what she had already put him through, but she couldn't help it. Without him, reasons seemed to blur together into an ugly, gray mass of uncertainty, and she (semi-begrudgingly) realized that she seemed kind of… lost.

When Beckett finally closed the door to her apartment building half an hour later, she found herself still thinking about how unlike herself she seemed without Castle around. She looked to her kitchen but decided against getting a drink. A hot bath held no interest to her anymore and she had no desire to watch television just to see more examples of how awful the world is. Kate suddenly found herself standing in front of her bookshelf, her hands lightly caressing the spines of _his_ books.

That's when she knew what she had to do. Picking up the quilt her mom had made her before she died, Kate wrapped herself up in it and sat down on her sofa, her phone in her hand. She hit the number for Castle's speed dial and held the phone up to her ear as it started to ring.

_What if he doesn't want to talk to me?_ She thought. _Maybe I should just_… She didn't have time to finish that thought because she heard his voice through the speaker, telling her and anyone else that called that he was sorry that he couldn't come to the phone and he would be much obliged if she would leave him a message.

"Hey, it's me. Um… yeah. So I didn't really expect you to pick up but… I was hoping… well, I don't know exactly what I was hoping for…" She paused, uncertain of what of say next. "We had a case," she continued shakily, "a little boy named Alexander, and his newborn baby sister Caitlyn… They were… killed by their father. He believed that Caitlyn… wasn't his, so he broke her neck… Alexander saw him do it… and when he was trying to help his baby sister, his father… his father took a knife from the kitchen and… stabbed him in the back of the head…"

She paused, trying to compose herself. "Lanie said he didn't die instantly…" Kate stopped again, finding that she didn't need to explain anymore than that. She knew he would understand what she was implying. She took another shuddering breath and let the tears slip from her eyes. "I guess the whole reason I called was because this whole case made me realize something…"

Kate took a few seconds to get her thoughts together. "I'm so sorry. For everything. The things I said to you were awful, and if I could take them all back I would. I am sorry for hurting you because you don't do that to the people you… care about. But sometimes I can just be such a bitch." She allowed herself a little half-laugh. As if he didn't already know that. She kept on going, "Castle… Rick, you are the best partner I've ever had. Even more than that, you're one of my best friends. I'm sorry for not letting you know that enough…"

She decided she needed to stop talking or else he would definitely be able to hear the tears in her voice. "So… I miss you. A lot… Please call me back when you get this, Rick. I want to fix this… I want to fix _us_." With that, she hung up the phone and let it drop to the ground.

Kate wasn't sure how long she had been staring at her phone when she heard a light knock on her door. Confused, she stood up, still wrapped in her quilt, and walked to the door. Rubbing her eyes, she uncharacteristically opened the door without looking through the peep hole and was surprised to see Castle standing there, a slight sheen of sweat on his face looking like he had just ran a 5K.

They continued to stand there; Rick looking into Kate's bloodshot, hazel eyes and Kate staring into his blue ones. Suddenly, his eyes flashed as if he had just realized something important and in an instant he crossed the threshold of her apartment and had gathered Kate into his arms, holding her against him tightly. Kate's arms instantly found their way around his shoulders and she started to tremble. Castle's hands stroked her back as Kate led them deeper into her apartment, shutting the door behind them. He came for her when she needed him so badly, and that was all she could ever hope for.

_

* * *

_

"Hey, what's up? Uh ... I lost ... I just lost it. It's one of those days. I f*cking lost it. I just blew up f*cking. My whole entire f*cking apartment building. Told everyone to go f*ck themselves. I'm having a hard time hanging on today and uh, f*ck it, I don't know."

_- Details in the Fabric, Jason Mraz (feat. James Morrison)_


	2. Castle

**Everyone who commented (which, thank you all, by the way!) said they would like to see more from this story and I had been thinking about doing a Castle companion-type piece for it when I posted the one-shot originally, so I figured I'd write this out and see what you guys think.**

* * *

Two months. He hadn't seen her in two months. Two months since he had walked out of the precinct, angry and hurt and confused. Two months since the argument. How could she possibly say that he didn't care? Couldn't she see that he cared so much it hurts? Couldn't she see that it wasn't about the books anymore?

It had been two months since Richard Castle had written anything. Well… actually that's false. He had been writing, but nothing of substance. He would sit at his computer and write for hours only to realize that somewhere in his prose his main characters had mysteriously changed names. And rather than go back and find where he had went wrong, Castle decided it would be a more efficient use of his time to hold down the backspace key on his laptop and slowly watch all of the progress he made disappear before his eyes. And when the document was finally blank, he'd stare blankly at the screen, until he started the process all over again.

* * *

When Castle had come home two months ago and immediately locked himself into his office, his daughter and mother assumed that he had just had a sudden burst of inspiration and didn't want to be disturbed. When they heard a loud crash a few moments later, they quickly approached the door. It wasn't until they heard the small sobs coming from the other side of the door that they walked away. Something had happened and right now, and while Alexis and Martha wanted to be there for him, all he needed to do was be alone.

Rick had tried to pull himself together for his family's sake, but he quickly realized that that wouldn't be possible for the simple fact that his family wasn't completely here; Beckett was just as much a part of his family as his mother and his daughter were. She cared for them just as much as they cared for her, and he knew that Alexis and Martha loved Kate almost as much as he loved her. She was the best friend he had ever had, and he trusted her with his life, and the life of his family.

_So why are you here without her?_ He asked himself. _Why did you start a fight?_

If it would've been physically possible, he would've punched his psyche in the face. The answer was so blatantly obvious. He had told her to take a break because he cared about her. Because if someone else didn't try to take care of her (or at least try to get her to take care of herself), she wouldn't. Castle, after watching her for years, had realized that when Beckett becomes engrossed in a case, it's not easy for her to see anything other than that. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. Beckett's focus is something that makes her a great cop; she fights for her victims and the closure she knows the people left behind in the midst of murder need. However, it does take a toll on her health. She won't sleep; she won't eat; hell, Castle knew that if it would help her catch a killer faster, she wouldn't even breathe. But she couldn't see that. And his effort to help had blown up in his face. While he had expected her to be angry, Castle wasn't prepared for the sheer rage that she had showed him and he was at a loss for how to get himself out of the grave he had dug for himself.

* * *

And now it had been two months since he had seen her and it was totally obvious to everyone in his life that he was missing her terribly. He went through the motions for Alexis, but she saw through it all. She had seen the way her dad's blank stare at his computer screen would slowly move to the picture he had on his desk of his friends at the 12th, taken at the Christmas party he had secretly set up the year before in the precinct one day he had insisted he couldn't come in because he was at home writing. Alexis and Martha had seen him leaning against the counter late at night with a cup of coffee in his hand, staring at the brown liquid with a far away look in his eyes. And try as he might to hide it, Alexis had seen how he physically deflated every time his phone rang and he didn't hear the ringtone he had set specifically for the Detective who had slowly found her way into his heart.

* * *

For the first few weeks Castle carried his phone with him everywhere, hoping that she would call. He'd pick it up before the second ring like he always does and he'd tell her (more sincerely than she could imagine) how great it was to hear her voice again.

After some time though, he stopped carrying around his phone so much. It was getting to the point where he thought she was going to be completely done with him; that she was going to shut him out of her life for good. Castle wasn't sure he could take that. So when he first heard her ringtone ringing softly through the loft late one night, he thought he was imagining it. It wouldn't be the first time his over-active imagination got the best of him. But then he kept hearing it, and it suddenly hit him that Beckett was calling him, the phone was going to go to voicemail in a few seconds, and he had absolutely no idea where his phone was.

Running out of his office, his socked-covered feet slipping all over his hardwood floors, Castle desperately followed the sound of her ringtone. He followed it to outside of his bedroom door, when the ringing stopped. Flinging his door open, Castle franticly searched around his room for his phone, in case she called back again. So he could call her back. He kept searching until he heard the all too familiar sound of his phone letting him know someone had left a message coming from a pile of clothes on the floor. Reaching into the pocket of his jacket, he picked out his phone and saw the notification that he had a voicemail and without hesitation went to listen to it. His breath caught in his throat when he heard her voice.

"_Hey, it's me. Um… yeah. So I didn't really expect you to pick up but… I was hoping… well, I don't know exactly what I was hoping for…"_ There was a pause on the other line. "_We had a case_," her voice said. Castle was struck by just how small her voice sounded, "_a little boy named Alexander, and his newborn baby sister Caitlyn… They were… killed by their father. He believed that Caitlyn… wasn't his, so he… broke her neck… Alexander saw him do it… and when he was trying to help his baby sister, his father… his father took a knife from the kitchen and… stabbed him in the back of the head…_"

There was another pause. "_Lanie said he didn't die instantly…_" Castle hadn't realized he had been holding his breath until he felt his chest start to burn. When he finally let it out, it was shaky. The irony of the children's names was not lost on Castle, and the fact that the little boy named Alexander had surely been in an unbearable amount of pain before he died was enough to bring tears to the corners of his eyes. Sitting down on the bed, he kept on listening to Kate's voice. "_I guess the whole reason I called was because this whole case made me realize something…_"

There was another pause. "_I'm so sorry. For everything. The things I said to you were awful, and if I could take them all back I would. I am sorry for hurting you because you don't do that to the people you… care about. But sometimes I can just be such a bitch_." Castle heard Kate laugh on the other end of the phone, and he could've sworn he felt his heart break a little. She should never think of herself like that. "_Castle… Rick, you are the best partner I've ever had. Even more than that, you're one of my best friends. I'm sorry for not letting you know that enough…"_

Castle could tell by the way her voice shifted that she was trying desperately to hide the emotion in her voice. Even on the phone, Kate Beckett never wanted to seem weak. _As if she could ever be weak_, he thought to himself. "_So… I miss you. A lot… Please call me back when you get this, Rick. I want to fix this… I want to fix _us."

* * *

Castle wasn't sure how long he had stared at his phone before he snapped out of it. He was not going to call her back. No, that wouldn't be enough. Because suddenly his need to _see_ her overwhelmed every other need he thought he had. Quickly running around he dropped his phone to the floor and ran around his room throwing on some clothes so as to look semi-presentable and rushed downstairs to the kitchen. Alexis and Martha both had plans and shouldn't be back until morning, but he quickly wrote a note on a piece of paper saying that he was alright and he'd be back soon just in case either of them happened to come home early. He grabbed his car keys off the counter and locked the door behind him as he ran down the hall to the elevator. It would be nearly impossible to get a cab at this time of night. However, once Castle was in the elevator on the way down to the lobby, he decided driving himself would take too much time. After all, there were stop lights, and he'd have to maneuver his car through the parking garage and then he'd have to find parking at her place and that simply would just take too much time because he needed to see her _now_. So when Castle made his way down the lobby, he made his way through the double doors of his building and started to run towards Kate's place.

Rick didn't know if he had ever run so fast in his life. The only thing he could think to compare it to was the time he had run to her apartment when he realized that she was still in danger during the Dunn case; the time when her apartment had blown up. By the time he had made it to her apartment, he realized that he had been running for 20 minutes; his chest burned at the sudden burst of exercise but he couldn't stop now. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he began to make his way up to Kate's apartment. When he reached her door, he took another deep breath and lightly knocked on the door.

His mind suddenly clouded over with guilt. _What if she's asleep?_ He thought. _She needs her rest… maybe I'll come back tomorrow morning…_His thoughts were cut off when he saw the door open and came face-to-face with the woman who had been occupying his thoughts for the past two months.

For a moment, Castle could do nothing but stare at her. She was really standing in front of him. She was shorter than him without her heels on, and when she was wrapped up in that comfy looking quilt she looked so incredibly small. That's when he looked into her eyes.

Rick could tell that Kate had been crying, and immediately he understood. This had been one of _those_ cases. Right now, she felt broken and he immediately hated himself for not being there for her when she needed him. At that thought, he felt his heart beat a little faster. She needed him just like he needed her. She needed her writer; her best friend, her plucky sidekick; her _partner_. With a renewed vigor, Rick quickly made his way into Kate's apartment and gathered her up in his arms, hoping to show her that it was okay, she was safe now; he was here and he was sorry and he was willing to do anything he possibly could to help her get back to herself. When he felt her arms wrap around him and pull him further into her apartment, he knew that as long as he had his partner with him, everything would be alright.


	3. Safe

Kate wasn't sure how long Rick had stood there simply holding her to his chest. For all she knew, it could've been days. All Kate could focus on was the feel of Rick's fingertips lightly caressing the back of her neck; those fingertips were attached to his fingers, which had weaved their way into her hair; his fingers were attached to his strong hands which were consequently attached to his even stronger arms which were currently wrapped so tightly around her, rocking her slightly from side to side. In that moment, Kate knew that was exactly where she wanted (& needed) to be.

Perhaps the thought of being so close to Castle should've scared her. After all, it seems like all she had done in the past was hurt her. He had blatantly disobeyed her orders regarding her mother's case, he refused to follow her orders, and he had ripped her heart out of her chest and left it bleeding on the precinct floor when he left her for his ex-wife just when she had been finding the strength to admit…

_Admit what?_ She thought to herself. _What is there to possibly admit? We're friends… best friends… partners_. She trusted him wholeheartedly. He trusted her with his entire being_. It's not like that…_

And all the while she still stood swaying in Rick's arms, his shirt stained with her tears. She absently thought that she had probably ruined one of his very expensive, dry-clean only shirts. But at that moment she couldn't bring herself to care. Because here she was, wrapped up in the arms of Richard Castle, feeling like she was eight years old again encased in the warmth of her mother's arms after some of the older kids had teased her about her hair on the playground. She felt comforted, and loved, and most importantly, Kate Beckett safe in the confines of Rick's embrace.

Kate allowed a small smile to creep past the corners of her lips at the thought of herself, a well-known NYPD detective who has stared down the barrel of a loaded gun more times than she would like to remember, being protected by him, a childish, famous novelist who walks around with a bullet proof vest with the word "writer" written across his chest. However, her smile quickly faded from her lips as she quickly realized just how much Rick protected her. He had quickly and without hesitation ran into her burning apartment building just after it had been blown up. He had jumped on the back of a trained assassin with a sniper rifle and with a fury Kate didn't know he possessed, repeatedly punched the man in the face until he was unconscious. Castle had held her tightly when she was so certain they were going to die in that freezer, desperately trying to share some of his body heat with her. And of course, there was his most recent act of heroism when he looked into her eyes and fearlessly yanked all the wires on that dirty bomb, saving not only herself, but the entire city as well.

Then, she realized that Castle, on more than one occasion had protected her mentally and emotionally as well. The day she killed Dick Coonan, he was there to comfort her with comfort food and a smile. He stayed with her late at night to keep her company and make sure she actually went home, even though he had a mother and a daughter of his own waiting for him. He spun ridiculous theories to keep her sane when they hit dead end after dead end. And possibly the most important example of all, he understood her obsession with her mother's case. He didn't patronize her or talk down to her, saying that this was something she'd get over, that it was the past and she needed to let it go. No, Castle was one of the few people in her life that understood that she needed to solve this case and she needed to solve it herself. She also knew that when she finally did solve her mother's murder, it would break her again, and she knew deep down that he'd be there again, rubbing his hands along her back, murmuring sweet nothings in her ear, making her feel safe, and loved, and human.

If Kate was being completely honest with herself, she would admit that she trusted him so much because she loved him. She knew it; Lanie knew it; hell, the boys at the precinct knew it. Was she that obvious? Was he so oblivious? She almost laughed. Castle was the most observant person she had ever met. He had to have noticed her sidelong glances, the way she purposefully curled her fingers when he'd hand her her cup of coffee every morning, just so they would graze his hand. He had to feel the spark. But of course he wouldn't act on it. For all he knew, she was still with Josh and they were happy. Kate knew that Rick had enough respect for her to not make her make that kind of choice and it made her heart swell. And as much as she hated to admit it, she had a feeling that Rick knew that Josh was just a distraction…

But, Josh wasn't here anymore, and the only thing stopping her from making a move was her own fears and insecurities. Oh course they were there, and she would be naïve to think that they would just go away. But the question was, was Rick worth the risk? Was it worth having her private life broadcasted to anyone with internet access or a television when she could be gaining a new family? Could she deal with that? Did any of this internal struggle even matter?

What if he didn't love her the same way she loved him? Sure, he trusted her and cared for her, but did he love her? How did she know that this was more to him than just a fling?

If it had the ability to, her heart would be punching her in the face. She knew that it wasn't about the books anymore. In fact, she wasn't entirely sure if it had ever been about the books. Kate knew that Rick would never intentionally hurt her. And isn't that all she could really ask for? The assurance the Rick would never do anything to hurt her if he could help it, and she knew that if he did actually hurt her, he would hurt himself in the process.

It was then that Kate decided that she needed to stop thinking that she knew everything. She needed to trust; she needed to feel; she needed to finally take a risk and throw herself of that cliff and hope that, as always, Rick would be there to catch her when she finally reached the bottom.

Not completely removing herself from his embrace, Kate lifted her head off of her shoulder and moved herself so she could look up into his eyes. She had never realized how tall he was until she stood next to him without heels on. His arms never left her waist.

Time seem to pass slowly as she gazed into his eyes. She was sure that she probably looked less than put together, but he never broke eye contact. She lifted herself onto the very tips of her toes and slowly leaned her forehead against his. She could feel his breath become shaky, but his eyes never left hers.

Her words came out so quiet she was surprised he heard her.

"Thank you." She whispered, surprised that she sounded shy.

"Always," he whispered back almost immediately.

This was it, the moment where she would either run away from the edge or bend her knees and jump.

Kate decided she had been running too long.

Tentatively, she tilted her head so that her lips hovered right above his. Before she could truly press her lips to his, he pulled back slightly.

"Kate…" he started, looking torn, "You don't have to do this."

She pulled back and looked at him right in the eyes. "Rick..." She started.

Rick interrupted her so quickly she almost missed it, "I don't want you to do something you regret."

She was immediately taken aback. The amount of respect he had for her constantly had her own her toes. She moved her hands to cup the sides of his face and made sure he was looking at her.

She hoped that through her eyes she was conveying everything he needed to know; that she loved him; she trusted him; he could never and would never be something that she regretted.

Kate couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face. She leaned into him again and this time he didn't pull back. With her lips grazing against his she whispered, "You talk too much," and finally pressed her lips to his.

**Was that awful? I feel like it was awful. If I continue writing this, there won't be much more. Please, let me know what you think!**


	4. Right

Rick had once told Kate that he'd be whatever she needed him to be, even if that was nothing. So if Kate needed him to stand here and hold her all day, there was no question that he'd hold her until his arms fell off. Not that holding her was a really sacrifice. On the contrary, the fact that she had not yet pulled away from him had his heart doing cartwheels in his chest. He wished that she was this close to him under other, less emotional circumstances, but he couldn't focus on that right now.

Now, he was completely distracted by the way Beckett fit perfectly into his embrace. He could feel her cheekbone resting against his collarbone; her delicate nose nuzzled into the side of his neck so as she stood there trying to calm herself, he could feel her breath fan down past the collar of his shirt and spread warmly across his chest.

He focused on the way her hair felt as he comfortingly moved his fingers through it, touching her graceful neck with just the tips of his fingers. He couldn't help but notice the way that his fingertips seemed to burn after he touched the sinfully smooth skin there. He noticed the way his arms completely surrounded her, feeling just how small she actually was. His hand was wrapped around her waist and he could easily slip his hand a little lower and pull her tight against him...

Rick mentally slapped himself. He was there because she needed him. She was hurting, and emotional, and there he was inappropriate thoughts about her while she was in his arms, looking for a friend.

A friend. That's all he'd ever be to her. He knows he should feel honored to be able to call her that. She's beautiful, trustworthy, loyal, and passionate. She is dedicated, and fair, and would do just about anything for the people she cared about (which included Lanie, Ryan, Esposito, her father, Montgomery, Alexis, Martha, and himself) Kate was the best friend you could ever have; the person you'd want to be standing next to as your world comes crashing down. Of course, she has her own flaws; she's guarded, suspicious, and stubborn, but once you managed to get past her walls, you could see that she was also fiercely protective and loving. It was selfish, but he wanted more. Being her friend, her _partner_, wasn't enough anymore, but he would pretend it was.

Rick had been waiting his entire life for someone like Kate; someone who made him feel like a real person, not some author with an obscene amount of money; someone who would push him and welcomed him pushing right back; a woman who was intelligent, beautiful, and strong. Unfortunately, it had taken him one lost love, two ex-wives, and many shallow flings to get him to that point, and he knew this baggage made her uncomfortable.

As much as Kate would try to make people think she was strong, independent, and completely confident, Rick knew that she worried about what people said about her. Kate had a hard job, a job not many women find themselves excelling in, but, as he knew all along, she was extraordinary. She had insinuated herself into a world where no one thought she belonged, where everyone thought she was going to fail, and managed to prove all of them wrong. She worked hard for her reputation. Rick knew Kate feared that the opinions of the boys at the precinct would change if she went from being "Detective Kate Beckett" to "Kate Beckett, girlfriend of Rick Castle." How would that look for her? Would everyone think she was in it for the attention? the spotlight? his money? Rick knew that if Kate were to ever be with him, she would be in it for the sheer fact that she wanted to be with him. But he couldn't shake the feeling that that would never happen because Kate didn't want a label that would be associated with him. Kate refused to be "another conquest"; she didn't want to be known as his "flavor of the week"; and she absolutely did not want to be "Wife #3." And in all honesty, he understood that. Who would want any of those titles? None of them are the least bit flattering.

But that didn't make it hurt any less.

Rick knew that he was undeniably and irrevocably in love with Kate. It had started out simply as attraction. But after their initial meeting and first few cases, Rick had been surprised to find that he had been going out of his way to make her notice him. He wanted to impress her. He needed her approval. And when she had first opened up to him about her mother's murder and her story, he realized he didn't deserve her approval, because she was on a completely different level from the other women he usually approached. But he wanted to be good enough for her. It was a battle he was still trying to win.

Rick was ready. He was ready to risk all they had to be with her. To Rick, it didn't seem like much of a risk at all, because he knew they could make it work. What they could gain out of moving this relationship to another level outweighed any other doubt he had in his mind. And no, it wasn't about sex (although, with the feelings he has towards Kate, he was certain the sex would be like nothing he had ever experienced). Kate would finally have someone to lean on, that she could trust unconditionally because he would never (intentionally) hurt her; Alexis would be gaining strong, female role model in her life (though he knew she already looked up to his lovely detective); Kate could get a family, a confidant, and someone who would take care of her; and Rick would finally have the satisfaction and privilege of being able to tell people that he was dating the most extraordinary women he had ever met, the woman he loved and inspired him, and no, he didn't know how or why he had gotten so lucky, but he was eternally grateful to whatever deity had thought him worthy enough to have her. How could she not see what was so obviously right in front of them? However, he wasn't willing to mess up what they already had if she didn't see it. If Kate didn't want to be with him, he was not risking being cut out of her life completely. He could only imagine what that would do to his heart.

So yes, Rick was ready to be with Kate, but not until she was ready to be with him.

_Besides_, his cynical side thought, _she still has Josh._

Josh. How could he compete with a heart surgeon whose hobbies were riding his motorcycle and traveling to foreign countries to save lives? Even when he had made the mistake of being with Gina again, he had found himself extremely jealous of Josh. Rick had tried to replace Kate with Gina, thinking that his successful, blonde, ex-wife would distract him from the beautiful, brunette, detective that didn't want to be with him.

He never claimed it was smart idea.

He knew his plan backfired as soon as he saw Josh walk through the precinct elevator and she saw her smile. He would watch on as he saw Kate's eyes light up when he would call her, how she would smile when he would say something sweet over the phone. Rick was sure his heart broke a little more every time Josh wrapped his arm around Kate's waist, the waist he currently had his own arms around.

Suddenly, Rick felt himself becoming angry. Where the hell was Josh? It was obvious that Kate had had an emotional week. Her boyfriend was supposed to help make it a little less difficult. So where was he? While it pained Rick to think it, it should be Josh here holding her, making her feel safe and protected and loved, because that's what you do when you are lucky enough to have Katherine Beckett as your girlfriend. Rick knew that he could be that person for her; he wanted to her one and done so badly, but he wanted her to be happy. If happy meant Josh, than Josh better understand how damn lucky he is and do everything in his power to keep her happy. Rick was not going to settle for anything less, because Kate deserved nothing less than all the stars in the sky.

And, despite his thoughts that he didn't belong there right now, Kate was still wrapped safely in his arms, and he would take what he could get as far as her affection was concerned.

His anger calmed as he stood there holding her for a little while longer until he felt Kate start to shift against him. He moved his cheek from its place on her hair so she could break away from him if she wanted to. She lifted her head and moved to look him straight in the eye, but didn't fully leave his embrace. He kept his arms around her waist, not willing to let her go if she gave him the opportunity to keep holding her.

Rick wasn't sure how long he stared into her eyes - it might've been seconds, maybe minutes, but he could see himself getting lost in them. Her eyes were red from her tears and her cheeks were splotched pink because of her sobs, and he was once again struck by how beautiful she was. He remembered once hearing that some people are beautiful not in what they look like or how they act, but just because of who they are. Kate was one of those people.

His musing was cut off however when she began to move her face towards his. She leaned his forehead against his, and his breathing got embarrassingly shallow. Could you blame him? Here he was, holding his beautiful partner who he's been in love with months now, and she moved so close to him he could feel her breath on his lips.

"Thank you." She whispered softly. He immediately responded.

"Always."

Very slowly, Rick watched her as she brought her face closer to his. Rick felt her lips hovering right above his. He felt his eyes start to close, but he snapped open and pulled back slightly.

_This is wrong_, he thought. _She's with Josh, she's emotional, she probably feels like she needs to thank me somehow. She's going to regret this. I _can't_ let her regret this._

"Kate…" he said quietly, "You don't have to do this."

He saw her look at him and almost shied away from the look in her eyes.

"Rick..." She started.

He cut her off, "I don't want you to do something you regret."

He could see the surprise in her eyes the minute he mentioned regret. He knew it. She realized she was going to regret this and she was going to pull away from him. Rick knew he had done the right thing no matter how much it hurt him. To be so close to her lips and never know if they would taste the same when they weren't tinged with worry and fear like they had been that night he kissed her undercover so many months again was sure to haunt him.

Rick was about to remove his arms from around her waist when he saw the look in her eyes change. Her eyes, at first contemplative and wide, suddenly seemed to soften. It was then that he knew. He had spent so much time with her he could read her expression anywhere. In an instant, Rick saw the same look in her eyes that he saw when she handed him her back-up weapon; trust. He saw the look she gave him after she had shot Dick Coonan in order to save his life; determination. He saw the look she gave him in the ambulance after he saved her from the man that had kidnapped Ryan and Esposito; he couldn't be sure, but he thought that it was love.

And then he saw her lips start to form that beautiful smile of hers and he knew that Josh wasn't going to be an issue anymore. That smile was only reserved for moments where she was truly happy, like when he handed her a signed copy of the Temptation Lane cast photo, or when he told her about the scholarship and fundraiser he had organized in her mother's memory, or the smile she had given him after he had pulled all those wires while all the while he was holding her hand. He felt her lean up into him again and this time he didn't pull back. Her lips ghosted over his own.

She whispered, "You talk too much," and before he could smile at her words, she softly pressed her lips against his.

* * *

**Sorry it took so long for me to update this. My inspiration just wouldn't come back to me. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm a little bit happier with this installment than I was the last one. In all honesty, I don't really know where to go from here, so for right now I'm going to say this story is complete. But who knows, maybe inspiration will strike again and I'll come back and add more. We'll see if anything else comes to mind :)**

**Also, a special thanks to everyone who has reviewed/favorited/put this story on their alerts. I never expected so many of you to like it! :D**


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